New York, I Love You but...

NYU.
courtesy: images.credit
*LCD Soundsystem - New York I Love You, but You’re Bringing Me Down is playing throughout the writing process*

New York City, USA. Concrete jungle, kata orang. Where dreams are made of. Gue lupa, kapan pertama kali gue melihat New York dengan pandangan berbeda. Mungkin on my last year of college, setelah semua ambisi SMA tercapai dan punya keinginan dan ego baru yang ingin dicapai. I want to broaden my
horizon dan gue melihat New York sebagai sebuah tempat utama buat mengejar semua mimpi dan keegoisan yang ada dikepala. It’s an exaggeration how movies and tv series’ portray New York they say, New York is nothing like that. Well, screw you guys. I still think New York is amazing in its own rawness.

I have known about New York University a long time ago.

Open Up!!!

Maaf ya, tapi terbuka dengan seseorang itu nggak perkara mudah. I tried it once and one day he just left, became a stranger once again. I was confused about how a person can just left. I don’t blame him though. Well, I did blame him but it was a long time ago. I realized that it’s not just him that left, I probably was leaving too. But because it hurts, I didn’t want to blame myself. So yeah, no one can just bang on my door and ask me to open up. Not anymore.

Antologi Rasa, Pesan Singkat Kita.

Aku akan selalu ingat. Sabtu siang  hari ulangtahunmu. Ucapan ulangtahun tanpa latar belakang apapun yang ternyata mendapat balasan "gue kangen sama kita yang dulu". Percakapan itu berakhir dengan argumen yang sama. Argumen bahwa saat itu aku perlu menyelamatkan diriku sendiri dan kamu yang menginginkan temanmu kembali. Kita berdua suka bertukar buku ya, apa yang kubaca kau juga akan baca begitu juga sebaliknya. I turned you into a sap because of my romance novel. We've sung and hunted Adhitia Sofyan's album after one novel quoted Blue Sky Collapse. I always associate that song with you. That song is simply our song for me, no matter how ironical it seems. Setelah argumen panjang itu, aku teringat lagi dengan apa yang pernah dituliskan Ika Natassa dalam Antologi Rasanya. "What if in the person that you love, you find a best friend instead of a lover". Mungkin rasanya kita, terutama aku perlu mengerti kalimat tersebut. Bahwa apa yang kita inginkan pada seseorang, mungkin saja bukan apa yang seharusnya mereka berikan untuk kita. I want a lover outta you, but maybe the best thing that you can give me is friendship. It sounds pathetic, I know. But, I have come to a realization that you are indeed my best friend first, before anything else. Aku juga ternyata butuh kamu sebagai temanku, dan kalau bukan kamu, nanti pasti ada lagi yang seperti kamu dan I will find a lover in him. And when that day come, I also want you to be there for me as my friend. Jadi, aku baik-baik saja dan kita tetap baik-baik saja. Kita hanya perlu menemukan, dan aku sudah menemukanmu kembali, as my long lost friend.

Philippines, Finding a New Family.

Philippines. AIESEC. My Ambition.
Pertama berangkat ke filipin was my first abroad experience. It was terrifying hahaha. CUPU. Ya di pesawat sendiri terus agak kagok juga englishnya. Jadi selama dari SHIA ke KLIA okedeh masih ada bahasa melayunya. English dengan accent yang sama, I'm fine. Tapi dari KLIA ke NAIA, man that was something. Udahlah flight sore, terus sampe NAIA udah malem. Pas sampe, ditanya mas mas imigrasi sana "mau kemana?" terus hah hoh hah hoh doang *gak deng* "gue jawab mau volunteering." dia tanya lagi "dimana?" gue jawab dong "ke My Children House of Hope" dia tanya lagi "apaan tuh?" LAH? oke gue elaborasi sedikit, terus dibolehin masuk. Beli SIMCard HP sana yang mirip telkomsel for 100 peso. Mahal yak, tapi udah sekalian paket internet dan pulsa sih. Hampir semua operator jualan di international arrival ini soalnya sasarannya turis yang butuh nomor telepon filipina. Sampe sana dijemput oleh anak AIESEC yang baik hati. Jadi jarak NAIA ke EP House gue tuh kaya dari SHIA ke jakarta selatan gitu deh kira-kira.

Do you like yourself?

Have you ever feel that you don’t even know yourself anymore because you’re trying too hard? Because you’re trying so hard you don’t even recognize yourself. Maybe you change for the better, but still, you don’t recognize the person who appears in the mirror. Until you reach one point when you don’t like that person. It’s a complicated thought, I realize. Maybe you like the appearance of the person that staring straight back at you on the mirror, but you hate how bitter and unhappy she look. The question remains though, how come you don’t like yourself if you change for the better? I guess, that’s how fucked up we are as human. We always hate ourselves a little.

Maybe?

I would very much like to go anywhere in the world with you. You’ll get to choose the destination and I’ll be happy to follow you anywhere. We can spend the time lounging in the hotel room, or we can walk around and dine like locals. We can go sightseeing, or we can just find the comfiest park then put the headphone on as we gaze at the sky. Maybe. Somewhere in the future. When the voices in my head are finally making any senses, I’ll find you and I’ll travel to the end of the world with you.

Me being boring.

Hari ini agak terkejut sih. Sequence of information yang didapat hari ini agak mengejutkan. Jadi teman gue ada yang sedang berbahagia. Mereka awalnya bersahabat cukup lama. Sampai hari ini mereka memberi kabar bahwa mereka resmi menyandang status sebagai lover, a couple, as in a man and a woman. I was surprised, still am. But I am happy for them. Mereka berdua sahabat baik gue, mengenal gue lebih dari siapapun mengenal gue. Kita udah tau lah baik-buruknya masing-masing. Gue selama ini berpikir pertemanan ini udah sampe tahap dimana nggak bakal saling suka lagi, udah lewatlah masa yang kaya gitu. Kalaupun nyaman ya pasti nyaman sebagai abang/adek/saudara. Hari ini resmi pemikiran gue dipatahkan. Mereka berdua resmi pacaran. I am happy that they finally find each other. Gue tanya mereka "How come?" Salah satu dari mereka menanggapi "setelah jalan beberapa kali berdua, nyaman aja gitu rasanya." Damn, I remember how that feel.

Gue jadi mikir, now I know exactly kenapa sesusah itu lupa sama orang yang ada dalam pikiran gue. I remember how we were so close, I felt like I found my talking companion that I can bore my mind with and then out of nowhere, we were strangers once again. Gue sepertinya butuh closure. Gue butuh tau apakah selama ini yang merasa nyaman hanya gue sendiri? Apa dia nggak pernah merasakan hal apapun? because if that's the case, then something is totally wrong with me. I mean, udah sedeket itu tapi dia nggak merasakan bahkan sedikitpun rasa nyaman? Ada yang salah kan berarti sama gue?

Shit, it's always like this. Gue nggak tau apakah itu benar atau nggak. I don't even want to trigger my mind to think further than that because it always end up with me feeling sorry for myself. Temen-temen gue selalu bertanya kenapa masih mikirin itu-itu aja. Well, how can you forget the person who broke you?